The Eyelash Story

Alright, before we begin this mundane story, I need to explain something about myself. I have very pretty eyes. How do I know this you say? Well, for starters, I get told this a lot when I go out, but that's no the only reason. I have personally observed that I have extremely long eyelashes. I'm serious, they're just really long. Not so much that you would notice them, but enough to make a difference. I'm not being vain, in fact, I don't even like having long eyelashes. They're more trouble than they're worth if you ask me! These behemoth eyelashes keep getting in my eyes. Every time one of these eyelashes falls out, it goes straight into my eyes. I'm not just making this up, this affliction, if you will, has ruined entire nights before, and this story is about one of those times. It was just last weekend as a matter of fact.

It was a Saturday night, and I was all set to spend a quiet evening by myself. I had just bought myself a movie, Serenity, and had ordered pizza with pepperoni, Italian sausage, and hot peppers, which is fucking delicious by the way. After watching the movie once through, I still had some pizza left, and I decided to watch the movie again with director commentary. I know a lot of people think the commentary is waste of time. I personally love commentaries. In fact, I love all special features, and I'll be mad if I buy a movie that doesn't come with commentary or if I think the commentary sucks. I like the kind of commentaries that focus on the plot, and point out things about the characters motivation that I didn't get the first time through. I think watching commentaries makes you a better movie critic. Anyway, I was feeling like I had eaten too much of the pizza [all of it], and I got a little sleepy. I laid on my back for a second, and that's when it happened.

Something was in my eye! It hurt like a bitch, you have no idea. I soon realized I would need to go to a mirror to get this one out. I paused the commentary, and got up stumbling towards the bathroom cuz I couldn't really see where I was going. Using the wall, I felt my way to the bathroom, and turned on the lights. I began looking for the cause of my irritation with my good, but I could see none. I felt a sharp pain when I blinked, but there was nothing in my eye that I could see. My eye was already starting to get bloodshot, and I couldn't really keep my eyes closed due to the pain unless I shut them really tight. Frustrated, I went to the cabinet to get my eye drops. Again without, the benefit of sight, I was forced to feel each bottle until I got the right one. I hastily moved to my bedroom, and fell onto my mattress. I took the cap off the bottle, and it above my head. The first few drops didn't even land on my head, so I forced my now throbbing eye open to get the drops in. I tried to relax while the drops worked there way around my eyeball, but they weren't doing anything. I go back to the bathroom to try to figure out exactly what was happening. I slowly open and closed my eye to find out where the disturbance was. It hurt like hell, but I had to do it. By this time, I had been struggling with the problem for like 30 mins. I finally figured out where the eyelash had gotten itself this time: in my upper eyelid. Indeed this was bad. The pain was intsense, and I couldn't even see the damn thing to get it out. I decided that my best course of action was more eye drops.

Now I knows the bottle says no more than 2 to 4 drops in either eye, but the pain....THE PAIN! I was getting a little agitated by this point I started pounding on the walls after blinking, which was like every minute. My other eye was starting to get bloodshot as a result of this too, and I could feel the strain on my face from keeping my eyes open that long. So in the end, I think I used like 10-12 drops. I was up to about an hour of this shit, then I got a little desperate.

I went back to the bathroom, I cleared off the counter in front of the mirror, and got up on top of it. I put my face as close to the mirror as I could, and pulled my upper eye lid outward, and tried to find that accursed eyelash. No luck. I was defeated, and still in whole lot of pain. We both know where this is going. I cried, alright. Yes, I said it: I started to cry. I sat on marble counter in front of the mirror, holding my eyes open for as long as possible before I had to blink again, and I couldn't take it any more. I wasn't making crying noises, but tears were definitely coming down my face like waterworks. I started asking God why he hated me so much. I seriously considered going to an emergency room for medical aid, but decided against it figuring I would get hit by a car trying to cross the road half-blind.

Finally, I composed myself, and I went back to watch the rest of the movie. Around the end of the movie, the eyelash finally fell out on it's on. I was relieved, and exhausted, so I went to bed. In total I had that damn eyelash in my eye for like 2 hours. The moral is, don't feel bad if you don't have nice eyes, the price is too high!! And if you think I didn't handle it like a man: fuck you in your hairy anus! Don't judge me until you take an Eyelash, and trap it in your upper eyelid. Then tell me how you handle that shit after 2 fucking hours. It was fucking unbearable.

Anyway, that was my weekend. I'm out.