Thursday, October 20, 2011

The 10 Sexiest Halloween Costumes

Are you in the Halloween spirit yet?

10. Pink Ranger

-my other car is a pterodactyl

The power rangers was a hit TV show for kids based on universal values like teamwork, and marketing Japanese toys to American kids. Unfortunately, while we all have fond memories of Japan’s greatest cash cow, the power rangers themselves don’t really lend themselves to good Halloween costumes.

-the lack of visibility means it’s only a matter of time before your “friends” start throwing stuff at your head

That’s why this sexy pink ranger costume looks just enough like power rangers to remind you of the show while actually just being a dress with sunglasses.

9. Green Witch

-the broom is iconic symbol of witchcraft because witches are girls, and boys don’t like cleaning

At first glance, this outfit doesn’t look that sexy. On second glance, you realise this “outfit” is about 90% socks and cape. A good look for someone who wants to be sexy, but not overtly skanky.

8. Boxing Girl

- She’s been punching perverts in the face since she was 16

Well, it’s a lot of legs, abs, and product placement. This outfit works partly because the UFC is so popular right now. Unfortunately, the shoes are sold separately, cost as much as the costume and I’m not sure the outfit really works without them. The biggest problem with this outfit is that it’s only a matter of time before someone gets drunks and wants to fight you.

7. Gangsta

-she lives a lavish lifestyle by providing the means to life destroying addictions

This outfit took the classic look of a 1930’s gangster, and
added stockings. If you want to be a confident businesswoman, this outfits for
you. If you want to be a naughty bad girl, this outfit’s for you. If you like
holding toy guns and shouting “pew pew pew!” this outfit’s for you.

6. Zombie School Girl

- she fools around because she hates her parents, she eats brains because they’re delicious

Lets be honest, the sexy school girl thing has really run its course. It’s old, unoriginal, and seems vaguely permissive of statutory rape. The zombie school girl however feels like a funny twist on a sexy classic. This won’t be sexy to everyone because blood and gore kinda kills the mood, but that’s the beauty of the costume. Its takes one of our oldest sex fantasies and adds a certain wrongness to it (well, more so than usual anyway). Nothing lets a man know you’re more than just a pretty face than eating his.

5. Anime Wonder Woman

- did she always wear that much metal?

This is not the wonder woman you know and love. No one knows why, but some reason DC comics thought it would be fun to sell a line of action figures that were nothing more than anime versions of their classic characters with no real story or explanation as to why.

-oh yeah right

The animefication of wonder woman resulted in her revealing spandex costume getting changed into an even more revealing plate armour costume. Also, instead of tying up bad guys with a rope for arrest and trial, she just straight up cuts them with a sword. Anime wonder woman makes a great Halloween costume for the strange mixture of familiar and novel it has. Too bad the costume doesn’t include the sword, but I’m not sure you’re Halloween party could handle that much badassery.

- sometimes, just sometimes, shameless money grabs create something AWESOME

4. Sexy Vampire Costume #105603

- the only thing stopping vampires from world domination is their “I’m obviously a vampire” outfits

Vampire costumes make up about 50% of all Halloween costumes, and this outfit is getting my vote for best in class this year. A mostly black miniskirt with just enough red to draw attention to your boobs, this costume has all the elements of sexy darkness. Stockings? Check. Collar? Check. Cape? Check. Cute little hat? Check. This is a strong showing in the very competitive vampire market.

3. Red Riding Hood

-wolf sold separately

It’s a well known fact that red is the colour of sex. Both men and woman are drawn to it. It’s hard wired into the brain. This outfit brings a whole lot of red to the table. The story is a classic tale of good and evil where good is really stupid and will believe anything evil tells her.

- “a short cut? thanks flesh eating monster!”

It probably says all sorts of terrible things that guys find this sexy. Unfortunately, this costume in particular runs at about $220.

2. Army Girl

-the army still uses the don’t ask don’t tell policy where skanks are concerned

This is a strong combination of adorable and hotness. Little hats, and little ties that project innocence to the mind with just enough red trim to draw the eyes to places that make you feel guilty. Not to mention that there are little patriotic star near anything that can be unzipped, untied, or unclasped. It’s like the outfit is purposefully sending you mixed messages.

1. Kitana

- she’s a ninja princess! Look, it made sense when I was 12, ok?

Oh what? Kitana? They make Mortal Kombat Halloween costumes now? Excuse me:

-and click to order, that’s better

Where was I? Oh right, Kitana. She wears a tiara because she’s a princess, a mask because she’s a ninja, and skimpy outfits because she’s a video game character. What else do you need to know? Innocence is sexy. Mystery is sexy. Ergo, ninja princess. It’s not hard to see why this hot. Every
great costume has a certain amount of cultural relevance to make it more than just another skimpy outfit. Mortal Kombat has been around since 1992, and even people who’ve never played it have seen it somewhere

-violence? Why whatever do you mean...