Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The Eyelash Story

Alright, before we begin this mundane story, I need to explain something about myself. I have very pretty eyes. How do I know this you say? Well, for starters, I get told this a lot when I go out, but that's no the only reason. I have personally observed that I have extremely long eyelashes. I'm serious, they're just really long. Not so much that you would notice them, but enough to make a difference. I'm not being vain, in fact, I don't even like having long eyelashes. They're more trouble than they're worth if you ask me! These behemoth eyelashes keep getting in my eyes. Every time one of these eyelashes falls out, it goes straight into my eyes. I'm not just making this up, this affliction, if you will, has ruined entire nights before, and this story is about one of those times. It was just last weekend as a matter of fact.

It was a Saturday night, and I was all set to spend a quiet evening by myself. I had just bought myself a movie, Serenity, and had ordered pizza with pepperoni, Italian sausage, and hot peppers, which is fucking delicious by the way. After watching the movie once through, I still had some pizza left, and I decided to watch the movie again with director commentary. I know a lot of people think the commentary is waste of time. I personally love commentaries. In fact, I love all special features, and I'll be mad if I buy a movie that doesn't come with commentary or if I think the commentary sucks. I like the kind of commentaries that focus on the plot, and point out things about the characters motivation that I didn't get the first time through. I think watching commentaries makes you a better movie critic. Anyway, I was feeling like I had eaten too much of the pizza [all of it], and I got a little sleepy. I laid on my back for a second, and that's when it happened.

Something was in my eye! It hurt like a bitch, you have no idea. I soon realized I would need to go to a mirror to get this one out. I paused the commentary, and got up stumbling towards the bathroom cuz I couldn't really see where I was going. Using the wall, I felt my way to the bathroom, and turned on the lights. I began looking for the cause of my irritation with my good, but I could see none. I felt a sharp pain when I blinked, but there was nothing in my eye that I could see. My eye was already starting to get bloodshot, and I couldn't really keep my eyes closed due to the pain unless I shut them really tight. Frustrated, I went to the cabinet to get my eye drops. Again without, the benefit of sight, I was forced to feel each bottle until I got the right one. I hastily moved to my bedroom, and fell onto my mattress. I took the cap off the bottle, and it above my head. The first few drops didn't even land on my head, so I forced my now throbbing eye open to get the drops in. I tried to relax while the drops worked there way around my eyeball, but they weren't doing anything. I go back to the bathroom to try to figure out exactly what was happening. I slowly open and closed my eye to find out where the disturbance was. It hurt like hell, but I had to do it. By this time, I had been struggling with the problem for like 30 mins. I finally figured out where the eyelash had gotten itself this time: in my upper eyelid. Indeed this was bad. The pain was intsense, and I couldn't even see the damn thing to get it out. I decided that my best course of action was more eye drops.

Now I knows the bottle says no more than 2 to 4 drops in either eye, but the pain....THE PAIN! I was getting a little agitated by this point I started pounding on the walls after blinking, which was like every minute. My other eye was starting to get bloodshot as a result of this too, and I could feel the strain on my face from keeping my eyes open that long. So in the end, I think I used like 10-12 drops. I was up to about an hour of this shit, then I got a little desperate.

I went back to the bathroom, I cleared off the counter in front of the mirror, and got up on top of it. I put my face as close to the mirror as I could, and pulled my upper eye lid outward, and tried to find that accursed eyelash. No luck. I was defeated, and still in whole lot of pain. We both know where this is going. I cried, alright. Yes, I said it: I started to cry. I sat on marble counter in front of the mirror, holding my eyes open for as long as possible before I had to blink again, and I couldn't take it any more. I wasn't making crying noises, but tears were definitely coming down my face like waterworks. I started asking God why he hated me so much. I seriously considered going to an emergency room for medical aid, but decided against it figuring I would get hit by a car trying to cross the road half-blind.

Finally, I composed myself, and I went back to watch the rest of the movie. Around the end of the movie, the eyelash finally fell out on it's on. I was relieved, and exhausted, so I went to bed. In total I had that damn eyelash in my eye for like 2 hours. The moral is, don't feel bad if you don't have nice eyes, the price is too high!! And if you think I didn't handle it like a man: fuck you in your hairy anus! Don't judge me until you take an Eyelash, and trap it in your upper eyelid. Then tell me how you handle that shit after 2 fucking hours. It was fucking unbearable.

Anyway, that was my weekend. I'm out.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Top Ten Ladies of Hottness

Alright, I see a whole lot of guys I know been creating the top ten lists of the hottest girls, but they all seem to be missing the best hotties of them all! They all don't know what they're doing. So I'm laying it down for y'all! These are the real hotties. If these girls are missing from your list, then you either haven't seen them, or there is something wrong with you!!

10. Heidi Groskreutz: man this girl can dance! She was on Season 2 of So you think you can Dance? She was half the reason to watch that show. It's one of the few shows outside the space channel that I'll take the time to watch.

9. Christina Aguilera: She's dirty and I love it!!

8. Amy Acker: Now you probably only know her if you're a huge nerd like I am. She was on the Angel show [u know, vampire with a soul and all the jazz, not as good as Forever Night, which had a similar theme, but a good show none the less] She entered in on the 3rd season when they rescued her from an alternate dimension [her physics professor had trapped her there during his otherworldly studies]. I fell in love with her beuaty and grace, her courage in battle, and her demon fighting inventions are awesome. A total hotty. Don't believe me? Then check out this little spread from FHM magazine.

Change your mind yet? Thought So. Moving on.

7. Kiera Knightly: A little more mainstream than #8. This girl is easy choice for this list. She's nailed every movie she's been in, and has a different look in each of them. Kudos to Kiera and her versatile hottness.

6. Rachel Mcadams: She won my heart in Wedding Crashers and I've been in love with her ever since.

5. Jessica Simpson: I don't care what you say, she BELONGS on this list. She oozes hotness with 24/7 consistency, but some people argue that her dumbness should disqualify her from all homo sapien competitions. As you can see by now, a large part of my hottness ratings is based on personality, talent and brains as much as looks. However, Jessica Simpson's hotness can not be denied! Besides, she is really nice despite reading at a 3rd grade level.

4. Heidi Klum: Now she was my inspiration for making this list since she has been rejected from so many top ten lists by my peers. She is the most famous supermodel out there not to mention rich, funny, and well read. What more could you want?

Were down to the final 3, who gets to stand on the podium of sexiness?

3. Tyra Banks: MMMMMHHHHHHMMMM!!! This girl has got it going on in all the right places! And She is so genuinely funny too! I lover her show: America's Next Top Model which showcases the hot girls that are sure to appear on future top 10 lists, and the fights! ooo, the cat fights! I love it, and I love her!!

2. Amanda Tapping: You probably know her as Col. Samantha Carter from Stargate SG1 [why is this show being cancelled!!]. Not simply limited to being the tech girl and time and space physics expert. She is a total hotty. I'd let her fart in my mouth if I thought it would lead to sex, but don't take my word for it, see for yourself how hot she is:

And the Winner is...

1. Tricia Helfer: No Surprise here. Battlestar Galactica hosts the hottest cast on television ever, period. Really, the surprise is that only one girl from that show makes this list, but the win was easy for this uber-sexy actress. Don't mess with this deadly cylon. Number Six is the most intoxicating femme fatal ever to organize the downfall of mankind. Her peculier relationship with Baltar is one of the most captivating I've ever seen. I can't wait to see what happens in the 3rd season!

There you have it, the top 10 hottest girls on the face of the planet. If you disagree with my choice for #1, you must either be gay, or lost your dick in a terrible accident. Just look at these:

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Life as we know it is over.

I just got the most heartbreaking news: Stargate SG1 has been cancelled. During the filming of the 10th season, the cast and crew were informed that no new seasons will be made. For those of you who don't know what stargate is, it is the single greatest television show on the face of the earth. This is indeed a tragedy worse than the Black Plague, Hiroshima, and the Holocaust combined.

And to add insult to injury: the network told them the news while celebrating the shows 200th episode. Fox did the exact same thing to Angel after they filmed their 100th episode. Why are network producers such dickheads?

The true tragedy is that the show is being cut short just as it's entering a whole new saga with new characters and new villains. In some ways, the show is getting the boot just as things were getting really interesting. In the early days, SG1 always seemed to achieve the best possible outcome for any crisis, but against the mighty Ori in the 9th season, they were lucky to get out of any confrontation alive. We were all just beginning to see the dark side to space exploration.

Well, at least we still have Stargate Atlantis. We can only hope to see all or part of SG1 in the pegasus galaxy in the years to come.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Blog of the Day

I started this blog on August 22, 2006, and in short order, was titled blog of the day by the Rob, host of http://blogoftheday.org, on August 22, 2006. The early victory was noted for the now infamous story: Nasty Girl. As Rob said it himself "Okay this is a bit nastier than my normal posts here, but damn, what a story!" I couldn't have said it better myself Rob, that girl was uber-nasty alright. Well, it looks like I'm off to a great start in my bid to conquer the blogoshpere. Only 2 stories posted so far, but I'm hoping to add more before the weekend is out. Go ahead and read the now infamous "Nasty Girl" post to see for yourself how screwed up my life is.

Nasty Girl: Read at Your Own Risk

Warning: this is now infamous story about the dirtiest girl I ever went home with. This story may disgust some readers.

It was a Friday night, and I was home alone with nothing to do. Finding myself rather bored, I decided the best way to amuse myself would be to get drunk and find myself a girl for the evening. Little did I know that this would be a night I would never forget, and not in the good way...

After getting myself wasted on what little alcahol I had [3 beers, 2 sex on the beach...I'm very much a light-weight], I then had two options: pay a taxi $20 to go downtown, or walk 10 mins to Gracie O' Mallies. Not only would it save me money, but Gracie's would also take me into Algonquin territory and everybody knows that Algonquin College enrolls the slutiest student body in Ottawa. I suppose it was my own fault in a way...

So I put on my hot pink shirt and white pimpin hat, and off I was to get some action. I got myself 2 Singapore Slings right away just in case I was too sober and then I hit the dance floor. It wasn't long before I met the reason for this story: nasty girl.

She was taller than me by about 2 inches, and had a killa bod. We hit it off right away when she told me that she loved my hat and thought I was cute. The two of us and her friend then danced for about hour. We began our tongue groping on the dance floor. She put her hands down both of my back jean pocket and felt up my ass when her slightly less drunk friend said she wanted to go to the bathroom. That's when things got weird.

Me and the nasty girl waited outside the bathroom door for her friend, and nasty girl showed me her blue thong with drunken stare on her face. Then she took my hand and slid it down the front of her panties, and I felt her mound for awhile. I looked into her eyes for approval and began to finger her.

Her friend finished in the bathroom, and we returned to the dance floor. I kept my hands down her pants as we danced away the night. Eventually, a bouncer came over to us to inform me that he was kicking our exhibisionist asses out of there. The three of us stood outside the club as me and her friend tryed to explain to nasty girl why we got kicked out:

nasty girl: "why'd they kick us out?"

me: "Um, it was sorta because of what we did, u know?"

nasty girl: "no, what was that?"

me:"well I kinda had my hand down your pants. they don't like it when you do that."

nasty girl: "ohhh, I'm hungry where can we get some food?"

friend: "we can get pizza."

nasty girl: "really?! Where!"

friend: "it's right behind you."

Nasty girl was very drunk. Then again, so was I. Anyway her friend went in to get some pizza when nasty girl told me she needed to pee, so we went behind the building so she could take a piss while I watched to make sure no one was looking. Then we found her friend with the pizza and started to walk towards her place. Along the way, nasty girl dropped her slice of pizza. It landed face down on the pavement and was clearly ruined, yet nasty girl didn't hesitate at all before picking it up dusting dirt of the cheeze and taking at least 4 bites before deciding to throw it away while me and her friend watched on in horror. It was possibly the most disgusting thing I've ever watched someone do.

Finally, afterall those turnoffs, we got back to the friend's place. In the basement, and in the same room there was a bed and a futon. The friend said we could sleep on the futon, but no funny business. As it turned out, the friend's boyfriend was already fast asleep on the futon after apparently eating chinese food. The friend was upset that she had already bought pizza only to find out her boyfriend had ordered food himself, so she decided to go sleep on the bed leaving me and nasty girl the reclining chair. We sat down beside each other, and I started to finish the job I had started at Gracie's. She started moaning before I felt her legs start to spasm under my ministrations when she tipped over the recliner sending both of us on our backs.

This wakes up the friend's boyfriend who just says "what the fuck?!" I think to myself "great, I'm gonna get my ass kicked for this one." Fortunately however he gets up and walks across the room to his bed and girlfriend and said we could have the futon, but no more funny business. Me and Nasty Girl get on the futon and started up the funny business about 5 mins later.

nasty girl: Do you wanna fuck me?

me: yeah, where are your condoms?

nasty girl: don't have any

me: that's too bad.

By now, I hope you can understand my position. Obviously, there is no way I'm fucking this girl without a condom, but this is where it got really weird.

nasty girl: u wanna fuck my butt?

me: what? without a condom? sorry I just can't do it.

Now I know what your thinking, and yes, I am the girl in all of my relationships.

nasty girl: is it weird that I like having things put up my butt?

me: no, I don't think it weird, but just not without a condom.

nasty girl: dou you wanna finger my butt?

me: yeah, sure.

So she gets up on her hands and knees while I get behind her. I grab her butt cheeks and then I shoved a finger up her butt. yeah, and she's all into it, and tells me to go harder. Then she says that she's gonna finger her pussy while I finger her butt. A while later I ate her pussy and she gave me a handjob/blowjob, and then we went to bed. Hands down my craziest night ever.


An Encounter with the Police

Four Friends were having a gay old time playing some Risk: 2210 AD. Bennet S. had emerged victorious in a struggle with Anderson B. and Chase J. when their axis of evil collapsed under the stress of paranoia and deceit. Wykes J.(no that’s too obvious, so lets call him Joey W.) suggested it was time to go get pizza. Anderson B. had recently purchased a disposable camera and wanted to take five more pictures, so he could get them developed, and took a picture of Chase J. taking a picture of him.

Along the way to Pizza Hut, the group stopped at Visser M.’s house to chat with him and Bilton J. After arriving at the Pizza Hut in Smith Falls, it was not long before Anderson B. took a picture of Bennet S. and Chase J. being intimate. Chase J. began to notice an itch in his groin, but struggled to scratch at it due to the confines of the table. Anderson B. immediately observed the humor in Chase J.’s predicament, and demanded to take a picture. Chase J. refused and made Anderson B. put away the camera, and then he resumed his awkward scratching only to find his crotch lighting up from underneath the table.

On the way home, the group passed 2 physically endowed women hitchhiking and eventually decided to pick them up. After turning around, passing them, and turning around again, the ladies squished into the back seat with Bennet S. and Joey W. After Bennet S. commented on the suggestively low proximity between himself and Joey W., Anderson B. turned around to take a picture. Unfortunately, the ladies were returning home to comply with a 9:00 pm curfew, and were therefore unavailable to star in Anderson B.’s pornography shoot.

The foursome then returned to Visser M.’s house for a status report on the party search, and were informed of a party taking place at the Brooker residence. It was at this point that Joey W. decided to end his participation in the adventure, a decision that would prove to have been wise. The party now decided to park Bilton J.’s and Anderson B.’s vehicle at the school, and they could all drive together to the party. Coincidently, the school was holding a play: A Midsummer Nights dream, and Discovering Stone C. in fairy makeup, Anderson B. took his fifth picture.

Noting a volume inconvenience in Chase J.’s vehicle, the trunk was cleared, and Bilton J. volunteered for trunk duty after being provided with pillows for cranium support. Along the way to the party, the five friends had a jolly good laugh by passing other vehicles while Bennet S. and Visser M. simulated a paddling motion for a Native American vessel, and to complete this hilarity, Bilton J. would open the trunk and wave to the other vehicles. It was indeed hilarious to imagine the shock on people’s faces seeing some guy trapped in a trunk, but unknown to us, our prank was taken far more seriously that we intended.

Unfortunately, the five friends discovered at Brooker’s party an excessive amount of male genitalia in the population, and the group decided to go home at around 1:00 am, although not before Bennet S. had succeeded in becoming intoxicated.

What the party was unaware of was that the police had been notified of their reckless behavior by one of the vehicles they had passed. Driving down the main road, the group saw a single cruiser waiting in the parking lot of the grocery store, and then Visser M. informed Bilton J. “Don’t look now Johnny, there’s a cop.” For whatever reason, Bilton J. thought he had to see this for himself, and while he was exposing himself to the cruiser, he said “Really? Where? Oh! There it is!” The cruiser lights turned on and began following us.

After seeing the police lights, Chase J. panicked yelling to Bilton J. “Get the Fuck Out of the Trunk Johnny!” Chase J. drove to the school, and while turning, missed the pavement and drove over the lawn nearly making contact with the school sign out front. Bennet S. decided that this was a good time to go home on foot, but only made it a little way before the cruiser stopped him. While Bennet S. was making a valiant effort at faking soberity, another cruiser had pulled up beside Chase J’s vehicle, and asked the group if there was someone in their trunk. With Bilton J. now innocently in the back seat, Chase J. claimed that there wasn’t anybody in the trunk, and permitted the officer to take a harmless look. The officer saw for herself that there was nothing in the trunk except for two pillows sitting harmlessly off to the side.

Smelling marijuana, the officer asked the boys who had been smoking cannabis. After an awkward silence, Anderson B. said that they were not smoking cannabis; it was just the other people at the party they were previously present for. Somewhat satisfied with this answer, the officer asked Anderson B. to open up the glove compartment so she could check for rolling papers. Anderson B. complied, and a blue cloth was the only item in the glove compartment. Anderson B. thought to himself that a clever stoner might hide rolling papers inside the cloth, so at his own initiative, Anderson B. elegantly opened up the cloth to reveal that were no rolling papers hidden. The officer just starred at Anderson B. and said “those aren’t rolling papers,” clearly implying stupidity by her voice tone. Now convinced that we had been smoking wee, the officer asked the boys to get out of the vehicle, and talked to each one of them privately. Bennet S. had been sent back to the car while the officer was talking to Anderson B., who was informing her of their activities up to this point. The officer quickly spotted that Bennet S. was intoxicated, and after asking him his age(17), she put him in that back of the cruiser.

The officer sent all the boys back to the car while she gave Bennet S. a breathalyzer. The group looked on helplessly while Bennet S. scored an “A for arrest” for his intoxication. The officer said she would just give Bennet S. a liquor ticket of $130, and this would be punishment for the entire group instead of charging them for trespassing, reckless endangerment while operating a vehicle, and about five other more charges that Bennet S. can no longer remember. The boys agreed that maybe they should take it easy for a little while before partying again.